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| N.Y. Roll, early March 2020. If we only had known what was really up the road... |
And yes, there is something about bicycles in all of this.
I did not know why this happened on this walk, or why it was at this time, but the loop I do is in a cemetery local to me and I started doing this in March of 2020. Maybe that was the trigger for all the memories and emotions.
Maybe it is because, in the back of my mind, deep down in there somewhere, I felt that urge to become anxious for an upcoming event. The Gents Race? Sure, that could be it too. But I think this all runs a bit deeper than that for myself.
Today marks the date that N.Y. Roll and I would have put on the C.O.G. 100 in 2020. The single speed, century distance gravel grinder out of Grinnell, Iowa. But, obviously, that did not happen. It all seems so long ago now, but really, it wasn't that long ago.
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| From the final recon in 2020 right before 'you-know-what' happened. |
During my walk this past weekend it struck me how we have "moved on" and all of the events of the past three years seems like ancient history. Part of me finds this offensive. Another part of me doesn't want to think about it. But I found myself in a deep state of thought about the past three years for some reason, and I think there has to be a reckoning here.
I'll speak for myself, but that reckoning has partly to do with resolving the fears and anxieties I had back through the past three years. Specifically in terms of cycling, for myself, that would probably be about the C.O.G. 100, feeling guilty about not being able to put it on, and then how that eventually led to a state where I was done with promoting and organizing gravel events.
Sometimes, like this past weekend, I feel like I miss doing all the prep work, the planning, and that I miss the excitement of the riders, and the production of the event, watching it all play out in front of me. Being able to do all of that for as long as I did was a great privilege that I do not take lightly. I am deeply thankful for being graced with the opportunities I have had to put on events like Trans Iowa, the Guitar Ted Death Ride Invitational, the 3GR rides, the Geezer Ride, and the C.O.G. 100.
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| Still trying to figure this all out.... |
Then I also feel as though I am deeply satisfied and grateful for the feelings I have surrounding my not doing those events anymore. I emptied the tank and left it all out there many times during the years I have done the events I did, especially concerning Trans Iowa. I don't need to put myself through that wringer anymore, and once I realized that sometime during 2020, I found a peace I hadn't felt in a long time.
And I needed to remind myself of that this weekend while I was thinking all of these thoughts. So while I miss part of all of those times, and I think that is only natural, I also am very happy I moved on and left that time behind. There is freedom there that, and maybe this is selfish, but that is deeply satisfying.
Now as to what lies ahead.....
Who knows? I'm still trying to figure that all out.
6 comments:
A cemetery is a great place to bury the negative past. So much of our well-being in the here-and-now hinges upon our perspective of the past, and since that perspective takes place in the moment, our frame of mind in the here-and-now also has a big impact on the light we shed on our own history. It is easy to fall into a vicious cycle of regret and to keep narrowing the focus on those areas where we know we could have/should have done better, and it takes a lot of hard-won life experience and maturity to be able to step back and see the bigger picture.
I look at 2020 now as the best year in the most important part of my life - my family. I have a great career and love my work, but it will eat me alive and swallow up my family as well if I don't find and maintain a good balance. And since I'm basically on my own in my work, nobody else is going to stand up and encourage me to prioritize my family or my health. It has to be me. When 2020 came around, I was on a pretty poor path in most of those areas, and though I couldn't see it at the time, keeping on doing what I was doing would have meant I was less and less capable of even doing the job that I love as I age.
All of a sudden in 2020, it changed. I had no more meetings in the evenings. I was home most of the time. I spent hours every day with my wife. We went for long walks. Held hands. Talked more than we had in years, and I love it. We don't get to do that as much now that things are mostly back to normal, but we're closer and wouldn't trade it for anything. We bought bikes in 2020 and that's ultimately what led me on this crazy journey to cycling, which I also love, and which is making me healthier, too. I'm more thankful for all of that than I can express.
At the same time 2020, 2021, and 2022 have been some of the most challenging and stressful years of my life and career. So many of us have changed the way we behave toward others, and have experienced that same change from others. Some of it due to the pandemic, but in other cases the pandemic merely amplified latent conflicts that were already there, just waiting to emerge. It would be very easy for the disappointing aspects of the recent past to overtake the good things that have happened over the same time, but maturity and experience have taught me that life and the past are both complex. I was never tempted before 2020 to think I would ever want to do anything else with my life, and though that certainly changed with the stresses and challenges of the past years, I also realize that it's worth preserving. So, like a long marriage, I am doubling down on my love and commitment to the people I work with so that we can work through these things that have surfaced, and hopefully come through it stronger and together. It will take time and forgiveness from all involved, but it's worth it.
I don't really know you aside from your blog and podcast, both of which I appreciate, but it's obvious how much you care about the people you've served over the years and who, like me, appreciate what you bring (and have brought) to the table when it comes to cycling, and that's only one aspect of your whole life as a man, a husband, father, friend, etc.. Tough decisions are always going to face the fallout of second/third/fourth-guesses, even when you made the right decisions. And even better than that? You're still here, and your story isn't over. Walking by a cemetery is great, but it's even better to be walking away from the cemetery. The past will always be there to look at and learn from, to regret at times, but also to forgive and be forgiven. And to come to peace with those hard decisions over time is a gift. Thanks again for writing this blog and for putting out the podcast as it's both entertaining and informative for many, including me as a relatively new cyclist!
We made the correct decision. Even in hindsight knowing what we know now, I still say we made the correct decision. We did not know what this virus was, and how bad it would get. Also to not be from a place, and bring in a bunch of random people to a community we are not from is well inconsiderate and rude.
@Jon Bakker- Thank you!! Beautifully written and a much appreciated comment here.
@N.Y. Roll - Oh, yes, of course you are right. I know that as well, and I wouldn't change our decision. But there was another side to it as well, which I was trying to express here. Maybe I didn't do so well....
The C.O.G that never was. I still have both hats and the poster... along with both GPS files, someday I think I may give the second one a go. Deep down I've also toyed with the idea of taking an extended weekend and trying do both of them on either back to back days or with a one day break in between... who know is if that will ever come to fruition. Not in March though, once was enough of that with the original C.O.G to last me. Not a mud person which is 95% of the reason I've never been to Mid South either.
I'm glad I made the trip for the C.O.G and the GTDRI (twice), Grinnel is a great little town and the events were always fun and well organized. Thanks for the hospitality and thanks for the introduction to parts of Iowa I probably wouldn't have otherwise seen.
@Rydn9ers - Thank you! You know, I have often thought about riding that second course on a single speed as well, just for kicks. To my knowledge, it was only attempted once by N.Y. roll and Tomcat, (who sometimes comments here) and they had to abort after 3/4's of the way through, or something like that, as i recall. So, no one has finished that one - yet!
I also often thank event promoters and route finders for exposing me to places I've never been to and wouldn't ever see without their efforts. It's a part of gravel riding that makes this sport a touch cooler than organized road events and MTB curses. (Although both of those can have similar effects when done right)
Grinnell is ideally located and blessed with stellar terrain surrounding it. I've got another course for the last organized GTDRI that I need to complete. Maybe this year.....
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