Navigating The Future

My Spotted Horse volunteering was the first time I'd been out in 2020 in months.

Going back and forth, forth and back again. My mind has been rolling over what I might do the rest of 2021 concerning events. I have many desires and probably just as many reservations.

Before I go any further, this post is in no way being written to influence you or anyone else. You do you. I'm writing this for myself more than anyone else reading this. Kind of a therapeutic exercise. Maybe exorcism would be a better word here? Maybe..... 

Once the pandemic set in I was all about not seeing anyone outside of my family. Even going to work was a bit difficult some days, depending upon which version of things I had heard. But eventually I got the notion to get out and do something last Fall when I was asked to come down and do volunteering for the Spotted Horse Ultra. That was last October. It was the first time I had done anything with anyone outside of town, my family, and really.....my home, since the preceding March. On one hand, it was awesome to be with people doing cycling related things. On the other hand, I felt like I was cheating. "Would I get caught?" 

Fortunately, all was fine. Then in March I got vaccinated with the second shot coming in April. Things were 'getting better', right? Oh......maybe not! There was that nasty mutation about. Gravel Worlds was coming. Maybe I'd be okay, but those same thoughts popped up again: "Would I get caught?" Wrestling with that and trying to go about 'business as usual' was a bit like living a lie for me. I wasn't 100% comfortable or onboard with what I was up to because of the ongoing pandemic. As I said- this is my struggle. You've got to process things in a way that is right for you. But as for me? 

As I look forward to Fall, I see events I'd love to try out, but there is still that other side of me that is very reticent to put others at risk, and myself, for something like a bicycle race/ride. Until I feel comfortable with the situation regarding COVID, I am leaning on being overly cautious and just doing my thing alone. I don't know.... I'm not 100% locked into that, but there. I said it.  

I just do not want to commit to a ride and have to deal with these thoughts that I may be doing the wrong thing. It's hard for me. Maybe you are not anywhere close to this? Good. I'm happy for ya. But I have to live with myself, and maybe that will mean that I'll be spending a lot more time riding around here on my own, just like last year. And if that's how I make it work for me, I'm good with that.